Interesting! Your version seems... a bit less united than the original. Fascinating that it swaps out marching with men to protect him for marching with men for more practical reasons.
Ours was revised in 1990, and they made almost the same change to "the rising of the race":
The rising of the women means all humankind we raise.
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Ours was revised in 1990, and they made almost the same change to "the rising of the race":
The rising of the women means
all humankind we raise.