Hm. I don't think I mind the enjambment outside of couplets per se--it only happens once, and I think it makes the poem a little less precious--but I would prefer it if he'd arranged it in quatrains like a Shakespearean sonnet instead.

That initial mirroring thing would probably sound better if it were a pentameter line without the "only," which seems to get in the way. "He whom I bow to knows to whom I bow." It wouldn't mean exactly the same thing, of course.

It's possible what this comment is driving at is "all sonnets should be Shakespearean sonnets," though if accused of believing that I would deny it.