Here via link-hopping, and I'm ducking the main topic of discussion completely to pursue this tangent:

We can't supply you with awesome merchandise like a Wonderella bobblehead doll.

Do most fiction publishing contracts in fact prohibit the author from making and marketing her own merch? If so, that seems like a horrible waste! Because I think quite a lot of people would buy t-shirts for their favorite cult novels (just like for their favorite indie bands), but I don't see publishers having the slightest interest in producing them.